Saturday, September 19, 2009

Newly discovered fish found in Manila Bay: Noynoy-Lapia

Filipino scientists, with the aid of enthusiastic members of the Liberal Party, have recently discovered a new fish specie in the black liquid crud that is Manila Bay.

Utak ng Tilapia
broke this bit of news a few hours ago.

Called the Noynoy-lapia, it is apparently a product of a 200 year intensive in-breeding program between Chinese traders, descendants of Spanish Colonizers, and landed Indios deep in the heart of what is now known as Central Luzon. Genetically engineered to create conjugal properties (which apparently now include the Office of the President) with its loud mouthed siblings, it amasses wealth by keeping everything within the family.

The Commission on Elections (COMELEC) has made very early pronouncements (at 2:00 AM) that the Noynoy-lapia as being fit to run for any public office in the Philippines, despite the fact that it IS A FISH and DOES NOT HAVE LEGS WITH WHICH TO RUN. This fact was sufficiently explained away as the COMELEC pointed out that the Land Transportation Office regularly issues driving licenses to the blind and the Professional Regulatory Commission allows people without medical licenses to operate on people.

The Noynoy-lapia has been touted to have miraculous curative properties -- eating it will cure the country of its backward economy and politics.

It is quite easy to grow. From a fingerling, it grows to a 100 kilo monster once it is told that it's mother has died and after thousands of people hold a funeral procession that TV stations will broadcast live, which Willie Revillame will ask to be taken off the air.

At some stage, former cabinet secretaries (who profited immensely from the current President) and politicians will goad the first to run for the Presidency. This will, in turn, cause others to abandon their own plans of seeking the Presidency. Prospective first ladies will then launch tirades on a morning AM radio program about how noble the gesture is -- never minding the fact that there was only a very slim chance that their boyfriends would win the elections in 2010 as President.

Somehow, all the political noise stimulates the fish to pack on pounds and gain the ability to speak even as its brain grows smaller.

It is at this stage that the Noynoy-lapia goes into a kind of stasis during a spiritual retreat -- then again, it's rather hard to distinguish between the active Noynoy-lapia and the Noynoy-lapia in stasis because in either stage, once can hardly see that it actually does any work.

In its adult stage, the Noynoy-lapia weighs in at about 100 kilos and has the ability to talk about political will as the solution to corruption, lack of justice, and lack of education.

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